Paro, Bhutan - Como by Uma Hotel

November, 2023

The Trip

Holy shit. You know you are off to a bad start on your trip when the airline check-in desk has never heard of the city you are going to. We got to the Singapore airlines check-in desk two and a half hours early in Kuala Lumpur, a destination which took 38 hours to get to from in-land USA, and xtkindly told the agent that we were traveling to Paro airport, the only one in Bhutan. After about 15 minutes of clacking on his keyboard he printed our bag tags and boarding passes and happily told us to have a nice journey to India…

Uh… what? We told him that was not our final destination and went so far as to show him and his manager our travel itinerary on the phone. They smiled and after about 45 more minutes, reprinted our boarding passes and bag tags before telling us to have a great time in Guwahati India.

Dude. At this point I started looking around for a candid camera situation, because it was feeling like a bad joke and our window of time before I start hyperventilating about missing the flight was narrowly closing. By now my well to do smile and chill were totally gone. Paro, Bhutan. With the combined brainpower of the entire Singapore Airlines staff, we eventually got our tickets and bags checked correctly… with 30 minutes until our flight.

Yay… But wait, there’s more. We got to the security line and the gentleman scanned our tickets to the lovely tone of a buzzer that flashed a red sign saying “too late to board”. Now, this is one of the few moments where being a huge white guy comes in handy. The look I gave that gentleman clearly pierced his soul because he waved us past like we were more trouble than he was ready to deal with at that hour in the morning. Now we just had to get to the gate. I mean, who doesn’t love running through a foreign airport as an overweight white person. At least everyone but us probably got a kick out of watching my sweaty moobs bounce through the terminal. Thing of beauty.

The flight was only about an hour and a half before we touched down in Guwahati India. LOL. I probably should have researched that that was actually a stop on the way and that it was definitely what caused such confusion. After about 30 minutes of watching those that needed to deplane do so, we were back in the air to Paro, and it was a quick 45 minute jaunt before landing at our destination.
Words can not describe our excitement as we descended into the valley.

We could not help but point at the gorgeous architecture of the airport and surrounding villas. People lined the highways nearby with their smartphones out filming the arrival of their loved ones returning home via Druk Airlines. The on-foot air traffic controller was a beautiful woman wearing traditional Kira garb under the bright orange vest. This was what we came for - authenticity.

The Paro airport is breathtaking. No pictures are allowed inside, but the entirety of the inside and out is adorned with hand-carved, hand-painted Buddhist symbology; and, of course, more than a few pictures of their royal family (more on that later). It was a grueling trip, but sometimes you have to pass through hell to reach heaven.

The Lodgings

(hopefully, I get some free shit next time for the props I’m about to give)

Only 11,000 Americans visit Bhutan every year and we were some of the lucky few. For any foreigners that come, it is mandated they have an assigned tour guide. We met ours smiling right outside the airport (pretty easy for him to locate some pasty white whales; talking about myself and not my skinny, hot wife). Dorji was his name and kicking-ass at tour-guiding was his game.

Our driver’s name was Cee-ring and he was a bit older, but equally capable at his occupation, taking some of the treacherous roadways along cliffs at Autobahn speeds and with enough confidence that I eventually stopped squeezing my eyes closed at every turn.

The face of a man who has found enlightenment and left ‘road-rage’ behind.

Our hotel, the Como by Uma, was only about 15 minutes from the airport and nested in the hills overlooking the local fortress in Paro. You know that feeling when you first roll up to someplace that you booked and you’re like “Hell yeah, I picked the right spot” even before you make it past the front gate? That was this place. The drive in passed some archery spots, some prayer flags, some pairs of pheasants straight chilling, and was lined with the prettiest Blue pines you never saw because you didn’t go here yet, but you should. We rolled up all the way to a beautiful large Bhutan-style building and the best butler in the world: Cee-ring. Yes, we had only been in Bhutan for an hour and two of our three new best friends were named Cee-ring… and both of them were total badasses.

They gave us some out of this world spiced tea (heavy on the ginger, but perfect for a brisk evening), then led us to our villa. The hotel had rooms inside the main building, but I can’t speak to the quality of those. What I can speak to is Villa numero 11. I’m not sure how long it takes for squatters’ rights to kick in in Bhutan, but I was genuinely wondering how long I would have to stay there before claiming it as a private residence.

We were pretty bushed from the anxiety of the travels and Cee-ring managed to finagle a short-notice reservation at the hot stone baths like the G that he is. Quick disclaimer: I feel like there’s some serious hang-ups in the US about massages, spas and the like being effeminate; if you’re one of those haters let me tell you I straight-up don’t care and your homoheterowhateverphobia is causing you to miss out. The hot stone bath is an experience like none other, filled with herbs, tea and a little gong you ring when you want to increase the temperature - this involves a trapdoor opening and a lady dropping a red hot stone into the adjacent, connecting tub. Naturally, we abused this like the simple minded children we are. Also, the herbs make it look like you are swimming in a bath of cannabis (which grows naturally everywhere there) - seriously though, who wouldn’t want to do that.

We had either hot stone baths or massages in our room every night… and they were complimentary…

The dining hall is the most badass circular room ever, and everything pervasively smells like smoke because they burn the still-green blue pine like it’s going out of style. THIS IS A GOOD THING, IT”S AWESOME. And everywhere looks and feels cozy because of it.

The menu had a wide variety of foreign-friendly fare, but I naturally went straight for the Bhutanese set menu, because I ain’t no bish. I chose correctly. There was some cheesy potatoes, some cordycep jelly, some other stuff I don’t remember, and the most bomb-ass Yak (Yakshma? I think it’s called) I’ve ever had. Oh, and they love themselves some chilis with just about everything. Helps keep ya warm and they dry and cure them on their roofs (cool as shit to see). They also love cordyceps, which is that fungus that zombifies and controls ants - this I know thanks to good ol’ David Attenborough voicing over Planet Earth. Gotta eat it to gain its power and mind control my wife into… nevermind.

I consider myself a foodie and a craft beer self-proclaimed expert (beerxpert?). I’ve had beers all over the US and the globe. I used to be heavily into the heavier like 700 calorie beers, but in recent years went more towards lighter, more sessionable stuff that doesn’t feel like you’re drinking the beer equivalent of a pregnancy-protein-shake-meal-substitute. My man Cee-ring suggested the local Druk Premium Lager to pair with my Yak. It’s a solid 4% alcohol trip through heaven. There’s notes of… I’m not even sure, but it was amazing. Actually the most drinkable, best beer I’ve ever had. The fact that Bhutan’s greatest export is hydroelectric power (makes sense since they are the ‘land of the thunder dragon’ lol) and not this nectar of the gods is downright sinful. Seriously, this beer alone is worth the trip alone. Do yourself a favor and have some, cause that 4% feels a good bit stronger at 8,000 feet above sea level.

(For any Druk reps out there reading this, hook your boy uppppppp; I’ll spokesperson the shit out of this product for some free beer. For real though.)

Going to stay in Bhutan?

Do yourself a favor and book the Como for lodging and ‘Go Beyond’ as your tour guide service.

If you don’t ask for Cee-ring as your butler, Cee-ring as your driver, and Dorji as your tour guide, you’ve failed at life. Do better. Have a Druk Premium Lager and try again.

Food: 9/10

Service: 11/10

Weed bath: 420/10

Smoky Villa: 10/10

Tachog Lhakhang Bridge and Thimphu

Aight. We only had three days in Bhutan. This was a mistake, but not too bad of one.

Methinks 5 days to be sufficient for an elegant sampling of the country.

Our first day took us to the capital of Thimphu; a 45 minute jaunt from the hotel.

On the way we stopped at Tachog Lhakhang Bridge, a badass chain bridge (huge, artistic iron chains) made 600 years ago. After that quick jaunt we were back on the road to Thimphu.

But before we got there I made Dorji bring us to someplace I could get some decent threads. During work hours, everyone in Bhutan has to wear a Gho (male) or a Kira (female). No matter where I travel I ALWAYS dress the part. It’s not cultural appropriation you dillhole; it’s respectful immersion.

As soon as I had my threads locked down, we began our tour of Thimphu. We started by driving up to a huge, crowdfunded Buddha statue on the mountainside overlooking Thimphu. I’m no stranger to giant Buddhas; somehow, my travels have taken me past the largest man-made Buddha in Leshan, Sichuan and one of the largest machine built Buddhas in Ling Shan, Wuxi. The coolest part about my man in Bhutan was he was hollow and his inside was filled to the brim… with a few hundred thousand of himself. Unfortunately like most temples/sacred places in Bhutan, photography is not allowed inside - but you’ll just have to trust me this Buddha was chock full of three stories of wall to wall mini-hims. Missed opportunity to make a record breaking nesting doll.

After the Buddha, we were taken to see some Takin. Imagine someone successfully mated a cow and a goat, boom that’s a takin.

A ferocious takin ‘berserker’; its lack of horns is due to losing them in the guts of its enemies

We weren’t the only ones at the preserve, there were some monks having a good time feeding the takin and some no-legged boars that were saved from poacher traps.

Overall, zoos and sanctuaries are pretty forgettable, but the monks chilling there weren’t; and the image of a cow and goat mating is etched in pretty deep too. I like to think the goat is a top and the cow a power-bottom.

Next up, was an unreal temple that was thousands of years old overlooking Thimphu and housing an equally old 108 pages of ancient Buddhist text written in Sanskrit and etched in gold - a priceless heirloom that even Doctor Jones would drool over. Again, pictures are only allowed outside, so you’ll just have to trust me when I say that what’s inside is even cooler than my wife’s pics of the hike and building.

We then made our way to downtown Thimphu to see some fine arts and crafts. Now, I’m going to be completely honest; this part of the trip was the cookie cutter ‘show you what our country’s artisans make and maybe you spend some $$$ at the gift store attached’. But as far as those experiences go, this was a no-pressure zone. In fact, most of the crafts weren’t for sale. We got to see the dopest paper making process using Daphne root, one that rivaled squishing papyrus in Egypt.

They were laughing at me trying on my Gho.

That ended our first day. And don’t get me wrong, all of this stuff was cool… and still worth coming to see just for the experience, but it didn’t make the trip by any means. What did make it worth it was the next part of our trip - The Tiger’s Nest.

Taktsang (The Tiger’s Nest) and Paro

Our trip started early at 7 am. From the Como, it’s only 15 minutes away - hella convenient if you’re already pissed at having to wake up early. The view from the parking lot alone gets your blood hot. Looking up from the bottom of this valley and this ancient forest to see the beautiful Bhutan-style white and brown buildings adorning the ridges and growing off the cliffs as naturally as the lichen on the trees. It was cool as hell.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been playing way too much Sekiro recently but the scenic view was very reminiscent of that game’s Senpou temple - the difference was I was actually living it this time. The hike starts off in the lowlands of the valley with the light peeking through these super old trees. It’s damp and the air is still. Everything is quiet except the stream running past some picturesque stupas. You’re already at 8,000 feet above sea level, but it’s pure magic.

Cut-to. Me climbing 1,800 feet elevation gain and sweating through every piece of clothing while some cute, little Bhutanese grandma’s breeze past me up the hill talking and laughing (most definitely at me) gaily. I feel like some high-school coach once told me to breeze in my nose and exhale out my mouth during strenuous exercise. Screw that advice, I was literally gulping air like Spongebob at Sandy’s house. I couldn’t close my mouth, my breathing was like one long yawnbreath. And then there’s Dorji looking like a boss in his Gho and literally carrying: his backpack, my backpack, my wife’s camera bag, and all our water.

Taktsang hike: 1

Great Whites: 0

But hey, at least we didn’t ride the donkeys up the first leg of the hike like the crusty old foreigners that make up most of the visitors (yes, most of who visits Bhutan are in their ‘golden years’). The first part of the hike takes you to a cafeteria where most of the golden oldies stop because by that point the view is already spectacular and if you’re me you’re having a cardiac arrest.

The next part is a steep uphill through an even older and weirder forest that my wife and I called the Dr. Seuss forest. Nothing makes sense here. The trees are all wonky and the branches go every which way. There's green lichen on them, but their leaves are a beautiful orange-red. And to top it off there’s a spiderweb of prayer flags between them. Surreal.

If you manage to make it past that, you’ll be at the cave the 69th (lol) Abbott was born in. We got to poke our head in as a monk was praying. My haggardly breathing probably made concentrating tough, sorry mate. But by now you are at the same height as the monastery, just on the other side of a huge gorge. To get across you hike along stairs built into the cliff, then cross a very ‘Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon’ style bridge that traverses a natural spring creek and looks up into the cliffs that literally hang over you. Again the air here is cool and moist just sorta hanging out in the everlasting shade of the cliffs. Awesome.

And just like that you are there. No pictures are allowed inside but I’ll tell you some of the awesome stuff that happens in the temple.

But first let me tell you about my main man Guru Rin Poche.

This is a guy that a few thousand years ago was renowned for his black magic. Some monks building the first monastery in Tibet kept having trouble with some demons, so, naturally they called ya boy up to handle them. Being a Buddhist, he didn’t kill them but speared them and stopped them from bothering the monks. Whom upon completion were super grateful. But upon hearing that Rin Poche was having an affair with a smoking hot princess, they politely asked him to leave. His babe was so taken by him that she turned herself into a tiger so he could ride her (nice.) out of Tibet and into the mountains. He rode her to this cave that he meditated in for an obscenely long time and that cave was where the Taktsang Monastery aka The Tiger’s Nest was built.

(Side note, I have a special appreciation for this man’s story; as I was similarly asked to vacate China during Covid at which point I found my princess in the mountains and married her. Our prenup prevents her receiving any aid in the event she turns into a tiger and relocates me to a cave.)

Just a hop, skip, and five mile tiger-ride straight uphill…

Okay, back to the monastery.

While showing us the cave Guru Rin Poche meditated in, I noticed in the surrounding shrine that there were three dice. Nothing hand carved or special, just literally Yahtzee dice. I asked Dorji what they were for and he said that visitors and pilgrims to the temple would get to make a wish and that if they rolled one of the lucky numbers of the temple, their wish would come true. In this case the temple’s lucky numbers were 9 and 10; and the lucky number of Guru Rin Poche was 11. I made my wish, you know something basic every husband might wish for on his birthday from his wife… and rolled an 11! Yeeeaaaaah baby, May 11th couldn’t come sooner. My wife wished for our happiness and good health and a good marriage (uhh… that’s like 3 wishes), and she rolled a 10. We were literally shouting and jumping up and down. Again, there are literal Buddhist masters in the room heads down praying (probably that we’d leave) and there we were cele’ing like we just won at beer pong. The number 11 was especially fitting because it means I am good at suppressing an abundance of negative energy around me, something I signed up for when I got married.

Before leaving the temple, my wife and I were privy to their Deluxe ‘Just Married’ Blessing. This involved the master taking us into a room and blessing our marriage. I won’t go into details as that is a special moment that my wife and I will share forever, but it was truly incredible and I cried a little bit. Love you Hopey.

The way down was way easier and louder, as I could actually talk at full volume and my excitement couldnotwouldnot be shut down. As Americans, we naturally added to the pollution of Bhutan by tying up our own prayer flags.

The whole hike is about 5.5 miles and takes 5 hours if you’re in decent shape, or 6 hours if you’re me. On the ride out, we stopped in Paro for some light gift shopping and lunch, before going to the local market on our way past the municipal fortress. Incredible day and a once in a lifetime experience I’d recommend to anyone.

Buddha and Temple above Thimphu: 8/10

Thimphu Arts and Crafts: 6/10

Taktsang Monastary: 11/10 (whoa, just realized we rolled those)

Downtown Paro: 8/10 - Small, authentic and filled with warm people NOT trying to sell you stuff

My Favorite Things About Bhutan

In Bhutan, they have four mythical protection animals that are painted on the sides of houses, the dragon, the garuda, the snow lion, and the tiger.

Pretty legit roster of animal guardians.

Besides these though, most houses will also have a phallus drawn on them. Sometimes more. Sometimes like a Jonah Hill in Superbad amount of them. I actually didn’t have the guts to ask until the 2nd day (I had to be sure that they were what they appeared to be before asking; after seeing a few hundred I could confirm they were what they looked like).

Ah, the old ‘thunder dragon’ about to grace this house with a sneeze.

The story behind them is a legacy every male on earth would love to leave behind, written in one sentence it would be:

500 years ago, a Tibetan Buddhist monk, named Drukpa Kunley aka ‘the Madman of the Dragon Lineage’ (can’t fail with a name like that) went around ‘dispelling evil and negative energies’ with his fully engorged manhood.

Now, I’m not sure of the intricacies of how that is carried out. But anyone who is actually celebrated for running around naked beating down bad vibes with a full stock is a legend in my book. That’s like an infinite amount of felonies in modern times.

What a legacy though. Can you imagine having people draw your piece on the side of their house for good luck? Damn. That guy is cool. I’m going to start signing stuff with ‘…of the Dragon Lineage’ after my name.

It is a little disconcerting at first seeing a giant phallus on a house with a swastika on it, but as long as there’s a peace-and-love-promoting story behind it… to each their own.

There are a few social aspects of Bhutan that make the experience awesome and make me appreciate their culture even more. Like I said before it’s hilariously fitting that the Land of the Thunder Dragon’s main export is hydroelectric power. I asked Dorji what people like to do for fun, he said:
‘They get drunk, shoot archery, and trash-talk each other… there’s arrows flying everywhere.’

(You can see why our guide was the best there is)

“Miss…You Jackass!” is a favorite chirp adopted from Happy Gilmore.

Now that’s a pastime I can get behind. Oh, they also like UFC, which is interesting for such a non-violent peoples.

The story of their democracy is actually pretty cool too. The last king actually forced it upon them (most people didn’t want it, they loved him so much). That fact wouldn’t hold much water, except that their Gross National Happiness is the highest in the world (98% of people in Bhutan are happy). You’ll see pictures of the king and royal family in every household and in pretty much every room you go in. It’s kinda like Mao in China, but without the brainwashing propaganda and mass starvation through famine. 对不起毛主席.

Damn. There’s a genepool worth celebrating. Guy is a total bro too.

Not only, was the king such a boss that he willingly abdicated his throne, but apparently he’s a pretty cool dude. He does regular, Joe Schmo activities and loves talking to people. Our guide said he has run into him on a few hikes and the guy was down to just chill and chat for 5-10 minutes like a total bro. Given the greedy lobbying, lying, using one’s position for personal gain politicians we have here in the states, self-less thought and genuine caring for the people seem almost unattainable in a leader.

Lastly, I’ve spent years of my life in Asia and I can say without a doubt that Bhutan has the most naturally beautiful people I have ever seen. And apparently they’re happy.

If you don’t go to Bhutan for the tourism and Tiger’s Nest, then go for the women/men and the beer! And the weed baths. And the aromatic smoke. And the Cee-rings. Okay, I’ll stop now. Here’s some cool pictures.

Interested in a family-friendly version of this article for publication written in eloquent, beautiful prose? Please, reach out to: hello@lovemonday.media

Hard to Reach Heaven

The Trip

The Lodgings

Tachog Lhakhang Bridge and Thimphu

Taktsang (The Tiger’s Nest) and Paro

My Favorite Things About Bhutan

Batu Caves: Kuala Lumpur